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| So, your life sucks, eh? |
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10:28pm 02/01/2016 |
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well nothing much has changed in life, not even the grades, haha. me and crystal are going shopping with her brother in a few hours. he's supposed to give us some money for tiding us over untill payday, so that's cool!! i have been wondering lately of the days gone by, but it isnt out of nostalgia, it is more of a memory of a sore boyhood. i listened to Puff the Magic Dragon lately and i just cried. i mean i dont even know why? some dead portain of memory that still is attached to a song, but not to the pysche? hmm. i guess everyone has their webs of thought that eventually become tattered or forgotten. and these wayward memories become some, some sorrowful tale.. no one really knows these things, we only have a progression of ideas that slouch closer to a truth(?) mood:  weird music: slouching toward narvana - book on tape |
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| it's kinda like breathing, but not wanting to.** |
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10:29pm 26/12/2015 |
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yeah, i guess that its typical
to cling to memories
you'll never get back again
and to sort thru old photographs
of a summer long ago
or a friend that you used to know
and how you loved
and her frozen face
while you wrote the name
and that ancient date (that ancient date)
and you cant forget
that shes really gone
and im sorry for the phone call
im sorry for calling you
i know its getting late
thank you for talking
i really needed that
yeah, some things just cant wait
and im haunted in my dreams by images of failular. i feel like a statue, and how i got to be this way, i have no idea...its like i steaped thru some strange door. i hate my self, not so much the character of the previous, but rather the circumstance and uncertainty of my mind and soul. i feel as if everything thing has some greater, hidden truth, and i am at the middle of some... some-- THING! (sometimes i feel somebody by my side) i think i actually made the trip. i feel i have both feet on the side of the mindless and savage. i want to get out, but im afride of everything. have i become comfortable with my illness? is that right? should i do that? should i resist the illness? i still take my medician. i still do the breathing exercises. but everyone gets pictures and ideas stuck inside of their heads. everyone has their off days, ya know? i just dont want to get hung up in the bad, or mundane i want more...i want to suceed mood:  confused music: Fee - Phish |
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| yup. |
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10:38pm 07/11/2015 |
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so not much has happened during the few days that i havnt posted, and that is probably why i really did not post. i got a hairless rat, and his name is ralph. hes a pretty cool little guy, and i am trying to teach him a few tricks, but the thing is, he is just so damned skittitsh, that when i have him out of his cage, all he wants to do is crawl all over me, and nibble at my clothes. he is kinda ugly, i am not going to lie, but he has the most charming character. i mean the place we got him from, PetSmart, said that he was about the most well manored rodent that they know of, and the guy there who was in charge of the whole small animale department said that he would be sorely missed. at first i thought he was just being kind, but now i can really see what he was talking about. HE IS JUST SO DAMNED CUTE. even though he is ugly as sin...lol. oh, and on a side note, if anyone does want to get a small animal, i.e. of the rodent family, i throughly encourge that you get a fancy rat from PetSmart, and if you live in the area, be sure to go to the one at the Sam's Club/Super Wal-Mart plaza in Grand Blank. You will not be dismayed! |
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| There's people here, but the've all left. |
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12:01pm 18/10/2015 |
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When you are a teenager, you are not old enough to be angsty or jaded. When you are in your twenties, you best be damn well on your way to finding a life time job field. When you are thirty some odd years, you are too old to be angsty or jaded. When you are forty, and you do not have a job, and you live alone, you's fucked, homes... mood:  Fuck you, world!! music: Fake Plastic Trees - Radio Head |
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| Holy Crap, this has to be winter. |
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04:59pm 15/10/2015 |
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it got so cold so goddamned fast!! i mean, holy fuck, what ever happened to the gradual chill of Autumn. shoot. anyways, what is going to happen to the family when me and crystal are gone, or even better, when will me and crystal be gone? gees. i really have to strech my gas this month, i have bearly any left, and money is tight. i really should have not spent that 11 dollars on mcdonalds, but i guess they had to eat, you know. i really had no time to my self, and i have been busy busy busy! i have this horrible cough, and i just want it to quit, stop. i want bertha to get better and everything else to just pan out. i mean i think that i am too much of a wuss to change things my self. fuck. i am just not used to so much god damned drama. and i am just going in circles over here. it just seems so unweilding mood: confused |
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| Where's Waldo |
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01:29pm 29/09/2015 |
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I am at the hospital...but i am not the patient. i have been here for about 3 days, hanging out with my mother-in-law, who just got a triple bypass. shes doing alright, but she cant really speek all that well, seeing as she had a breathing tube down her mouth. and let me tell you what, that just looked horrible. it was really something else, watching such a spunky woman, all hooked up on tubes and cathitors. i would have to say that the only good thing that came out of this whole trip, except for her getting better so quick, would have to be the smoking room, and the fact that they have WiFi internet, WHERE EVER YOU GO!!! five bars, i swear to you, its awsome. |
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| fuel burning fast on an empty tank. |
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12:27am 17/09/2015 |
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I feel like burning
burining it down to grey cinders
riping the windpipe out of it with my teeth
flushing down all those pills
but im just talking to myself
democracy has me under its black rubber heel
drinking their poisions
and smoking their cartons
rock bottom and falling fast.
I get my revolution
at a discount price. mood:  tired music: DeathKlock - Bloodtrocuted |
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| Ouch... |
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11:48am 15/01/2015 |
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So... i havnt been feeling all togather as of late. i have been having weird feelings of bugs crawling over me, and all sorts of vivid colors float past my head. i havnt done any drugs for a whole long time, and i just feel REALLY strung out! I dont know if it is the extra three mgs of resperidol, or too much caffine, but something is really getting to me. my school told me to take a two week break, after these classes end, and i really hope that if i just cool down, and not drink any coffee, cola, or beer, i would be alright. i have one more week of classes, that meaning, finals are next sunday. i am going to get pletny of rest and drink plenty of fluids. I think it could also be that i just got over spinal miningitis. the more i think about it, the more i think that that is the reason. but at any rate, i have a huge test tommorow, and it's getting late, so, bye |
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| Sell your soul for rock and roll. |
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09:24pm 30/12/2013 |
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Piss sour candy fags: you soccer moms and soccer dads raising your kids on tv ads how do you sleep at night their consciouses are in tact im dead sure of that giving their money to Jesus H Christ. mood:  dopomine binge. music: Nativity in Black - Black Sabbath |
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| La la la...Some kind of confusion, more like a diaster. |
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09:18pm 26/12/2013 |
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I am the sane one, tonight.
so really, really!?
i wish you could talk to your self, like you were someone else, because then you could probably take my advice, and not be such an asshole, all of the time.
i mean what happened tonight, i just want to throw it all away, i just want to get it off of me. wash my skin with lye soap, and just become what i was yesterday. nothing was wrong yesterday. aaron was aaron, and that was all it was. crystal did not cry out her eyes, and everything was groovy. i should have fought, but we all know that fighting leads to hate, so i just let that sleepy dog lie.
but since we had that fall out, i guess i can only hope my shit does not get ruined, because i am in fenton, and my house is in holly, and everyone who is mad at me lives in the same building
___________________________________________________
And I would just like to squrill away all of my happy days away in my rat trap appartment, down by the historic district. mood:  Fuck, you, Limp Dick. music: The Bus Mall - The Decemberist |
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| I Feel Pressured to Tell You or Pull the Black From the Gray |
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03:13pm 25/11/2013 |
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I never really had big psychotic break i never really went off the deep end, so to speek. i really do not know if i am paranoid, or just a real firm believer it gets really hard to peel apart the layers, and peer beneath. i know surely that i go manic alot, and am never super depressed... just more or less a certian level of feeling nonexistant. it is as if i can feel myself, being outside my self Borderline Personality Disorder that really sums up all that i have the brief and troubling, but brief none the lees psychotic breaks the insane highs, that really do not last as long, to be concidered as mania, but really do feel like it and when i feel sad, it is not like i used to feel like when my grandpa died, it felt like he was still up north alive and there but it felt wierd, because i knew i would never see him yet he feels more alive now, then when he was he was... well when he was alive. and being alone.... or haveing someone i know, not in the house with me it is like i am; like we never knew each other it gets better and worse as each situation follows but for the most part i feel that i am pretty well off. a few hours behind a computer, which besides my wife, is truely my best friend. computers are all the same they dont give you any lip you dont have to care for their emotions frankly because they do not have any and they are much easier to fix then would someones hurt feelings I would say on the heirarchy of family friends and aquentainces it would be wife --> Aaron/Computer --> Wii --> TV --> everybody else. and i am not being a jerk i an not being exclutionary it is just that i do not need that much human interactoion schiziod? ...schiziodish, i have been told i am a little off my rocker lolz and Aaron shold be proud...he scored par with my Guinnzbot, hahahaha mood: 6oz. Tobacco music: Pioneer to the Fall - Interpol the Album |
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| READ MY MIND, WHEN I AM TALKING TO YOU. |
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12:52am 23/11/2013 |
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Kora has the most decorated tombstone that i know of.
something is happening
the megma moon is boiling
psycho killer is on the move
sick purple crushed velvet
head full of acid and a belly full of pills
psycho killer (what was that)
a thousand blue bottles trembling in
the few square inches behind my face
psycho killer is in the wood
my days are numbers
striked out on the calander
son of sam is on the move
the cindered moon is wanning
alkline sweaty thoughts
a cat? THE PERFECT DISGUISE!
the bible's blind, the toroh's deaf, the quran is mute
if you burn them all togather you get closer to the truth
I can not tell you any more planly:
We are figures in books full of facts.
We are just stumbling thru life blindly
with a million things passing thru our perifery.
mood:  Ah, shit on it. music: Let's Not Shit Ourselves - Bright Eyes |
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| Damn the it. |
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08:19pm 21/11/2013 |
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Algerbra has started. I freaking hate math. So has 'Psychology of the Human Sexuality'. Can't Wait 0.o.... in other news, i went for a four hour swim, today, at Silver Lake. Along with me, was the wife, and the mother-in-law. Might i say, i normally do not swim for more than half an hour, but today was just so much fun!! Even in the luke warm tempetures. So i have more than 3/4 of a liter of Pepperment Schnapps, and i plan to make merry with it. chao! mood:  bananas, no, schnapps!! music: une fan |
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| December 2009 |
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2nd_alter_ego's journal
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